Who Did the Art?

I guess As Metric is some sort of, in hindsight, "remembrance commission." 

When my father responded to my ask for my mother's brain scans over email with a "never ask me something like this again," an embarrassed, baffled pit rose through my throat. There was no way I could blame him for reacting like that, it felt like a pretty fucked up thing to do. But the thing is, it wasn't even my idea!

My mother, when she was sick, urged me over and over to make sure to "get a-hold" of her brain scans so that I could "use them in something."
The "something" is sort of vague, she meant whatever artistic practice she'd nurtured me up to live in. My father's email response makes me think she never broached the subject with him. This is one of many things I've learned she discussed with only me, my father and I have realized as time has marched away from her. Other such uncoverings include various ex-boyfriends.

The bitter-sweet read of her brain-scan-art request is that my mother, even in death, and the moments up until, wanted to be able to be a part of my life, work, and practice. Maybe as a way to stay posthumously connected? I'm glad she trusted me enough to make not-shitty stuff that she'd want to have such an intimate part of herself in my public-facing work, even though she passed before I got like, actually good at making games (by my standard alone).

I knew that when we got the pixel prototype prompt, "goodbye" that it was time for me to honor her request.  I could metabolize it in a way that actually meant something to me, in a language I could properly speak in, when so often my grief felt either muted  or incomprehensible in most other avenues of communication.

Hopefully, some day, As Metric will become more than it is now, a fully fleshed out deliverance of "something." But as it is, the vibes are impeccable, and I think I did the seed of "something"  good.

-Abby Yaffe